Remember, these are FOR DOGS. Animals that are often known to eat dead animals, inedible objects, and even their own shit. Just so we're all operating under the same assumptions.
I would try to make fun of this, but really, it's hard to make this seem more absurd than the product's website does already:
http://www.proplan.com/supplement-dog-food/sport-adult-refuel-bar/
http://www.proplan.com/supplement-dog-food/sport-adult-prime-bar/
But my favorite part is the product reviews, especially from "Liz". For the recovery bar, she writes:
one of my dogs plays for a hour with ball its with panting and can cool down faster.
And for the pre-activity bar, she expounds:
my dog love and buy it again for the dogs. one of my dogs can play ball for hour.
No, I know I should mock someone's grammar, especially as my own little corner of the internets is no doubt rife with errors, but when your lack of understanding of simple sentence structure makes your writing border on incomprehensible it becomes less of a grammar nazi issue and more a matter of not using a discernible language.
Let's start with the first review, shall we? The sentence starts off reasonably enough, though the lack of capitalization is a personal pet peeve, I do recognize in these times of mobile devices I need to let that go. I'll even gloss over the "a hour" error, as maybe they pronounce it with a hard H sound in Liz's dialect. But then we come to the real train wreck of this review: "with ball its with panting". Yes, we're all dumber for having read that. Thanks Liz. Then, in a stunning finish, Liz makes us question what, exactly, she gave her dog and how, precisely, she discovered this dry, room temperature bar helped it "cool down faster". I am envisioning a very rigorous testing protocol with multiple studies to isolate for the many variables in order to come to this stunning conclusion. That or Liz is just full of shit. I'll leave that conclusion to you.
Moving onto her second review, we're immediately confronted with the idea that Liz's dog buys these again for the dogs. Stunning! I mean, these bars are obviously imparting some astounding mental acuity to these canines. I think Purina should be touting these benefits, even over the "taste dogs love". After this astounding revelation, Liz kind of mails in the rest of the review, ending with a fizzle rather than a bang. So one of your dogs "can play ball for hour" (notice Liz's solution here to the whole a/an conundrum, just cut the article out altogether), whoop-de-fucking-doo Liz. Hmmm, in reading this together I am wondering if Liz understands there are timeframes other than a(n) hour. I would like to think so, but I have my doubts.
But my biggest issue is not with the reviews (not even Liz) but with Purina itself. Is anyone else troubled by the naming convention of these bars - "Sport Adult Prime/Refuel Bar" as it leaves open the possibility of non-sport (relax, revive, de-stress, immunity boost) and non-adult (adolescent, puppy, newborn, elderly) bar offerings? Personally, it makes me quite uneasy. Though if they come out with a "Revive Puppy Immunity Booster Bar" I expect some sort of royalty. I think a box of bars would be fair, god knows I could use some immunity boosting.
